Well sitting here still alive writing another blog so the computers did not take over and Skynet did not come one line at midnight. So that is a plus I guess and Betty White is still alive as the total shit show that was 2016 is finally fucking over. We can all be thankful that Hillary did not get elected and Trump will be in office in 20 days but I hate to see the damage the fucking Kenyan will do on the way out the door. Son of a Bitch stuck it in Israels ass dry at the security council. I really hope Mossad pays his ghetto Chicago ass a visit once out of office and tells him Bibbi says hello. Wishful thinking. I would hate to see any secret service guys get hurt protecting him and his worthless old lady.
For myself the depression has becoming overwhelming. I hits in waves that feel like drowning. I just feel so fucking alone that i long for death. I want to be around people and talk to someone, anyone, but am utterly terrified to go out and do this for fear of rejection. I make excuses for not leaving the house. For not leaving my room. The only time I do is for my meals, my morning walk, evening walk, and doctor appointments/shopping trips. I want to talk with people so badly but when I am on the phone I can't get off soon enough but when I am off I want to kick myself cause there is so much more I wanted to say. I am just happy to listen. I rarely will text the two people who are my closest friends for not wanting to bother them. I enjoy hearing from them so much. I just feel like I am taking away from their time with their families and other interests. I am really just not that significant in the overall picture of things really. I think about killing myself multiple times daily. The only reason I do not go through with this is because my Mom would not see me in Heaven and could not afford to have my remains cremated. I come closer to wanting to do this more each day. The physical pain is awful and the emotional pain is unbearable. I have been walking a razors edge since July 12th 1988.when I got out of the military. Despite all of the success I have had in life and the good I have done I can not mentally change that time I spent there and fix what is broke in me. Maybe this year will bring a change that can help me to heal but I have been hoping for that for 29 year. Wish in one hand shit in the other see which fills up first.
