The cold seeps in as the emptiness cannot be filled. The darkness is so cold it burns. Longing to feel the touch of another human being…A simple act of human kindness or compassion to provide my soul some warmth in the cold of this night. I sit as the pain and cold covers me like a shroud. If you were to look into my eyes troubled eyes you could see the pain and doubt filling them at the prospect of facing another day. I am facing east contemplating the rise of the sun in 7 hours lowering his head into my arms as the tears begin to flow while I sit at the lonely picnic table in Centennial Park in Kingman, AZ during a record-setting cold December night wearing only jeans and a hoodie.
My tears begin to freeze to my face as I bury my head in my arms. For all hope is gone. I think back to earlier in the day when I read that damned letter from social security denied my claim from the law advocate judge. How that cruel cunt twisted his visit with his mental health counselors cherry picking thinkings taking partial statements and using them out of context with other statements from a different counselor a year later. Then not using anything from either of his primary care nurse practitioners in their records of his care or his medical condition. Only going by what the State Paid Doctor and Psychologist said when I saw them each in 2015. And what the Judge observed on her monitor in my hearing in my little closet of a room.his courage to finally speak. She treated him as less than human. All he wanted was to take be heard and treated with respect and dignity. He has lost all hope in everything again. Through this process, he had found his way back to the Catholic Church but now he is questioning his motives for that quest for faith. He called the crisis line right away and promised not to kill himself that first night. Each day that followed was filled with finding a reason to go on. One of the earliest was to speak to the lawyer to find out why this happened, what are my options if I appeal, can I go back to school during the appeal time? I feel the judge lashed out cruelly and hurt me beyond measure. I had been fragile before ever since my hearing on July 17th of 2017 and now I am finally irreversibly broken.
The call of the bottle had never been stronger but I will not give into that demon again and the same with mixing that with the pain medication and anxiety medication. I would rather live with the pain the demons that come with the meds. With my head in my arms, the demon apathy wins the battle for his soul this day as my tears have frozen. The emotional pain was so strong I never felt the physical pain of the cold and numbness my body experienced…I begin to remove I clothes as I enter the final stages of hypothermia. Falling back onto the park bench with one arm outstretched reaching for someone or something only I could see in my final semi-lucid moments.
