Happy Holidays and all that other CRAP!!!

December 14th 2010,

Merry Christmas Everyone,

I thought it was time to write a Christmas Blog to let people know that I am still alive and functioning here in Arizona. This is my version of a Christmas letter that would normally be set out in Christmas Cards but as that is not financial feasible or even worth the effort with my lack of real friends or family I write to my non exsistent blog readers.

Life has changed since the last time I wrote one of these in 2007. In 2008 life had some major peaks and valleys that have mostly resolved themselves this year. I briefly managed the ambulance company where I have worked for several years but the pay and the drive made it a money loss compared to regular shift work, I resigned and proceeded to get screwed by my Department Director on putting me back on the ambulance full time. So from December 17th 2008 until October 1st 2010 I was officially part-time at the ambulance company. No set schedule, no guaranteed hours, always having to go to work when called in, this was my life or complete lack there of.

All this while the country was in the heart of the 2nd great depression where a college degree is no longer the golden ticket to success as I found out. I looked for other full time employment and no available in the tri-state area here. Even national job search and phone interviews yielded minimal results, occasional offers of entry level positions across the country for less than I make part time as an EMT. This all really made life a living hell I suffered through in relative silence. Broken-hearted as well because during that initially trying period the woman I was seeing was cheating on me and finally dumped me when the cash flow slowed down. But being who I am I just dealt with it, tried some more online dating with poor results. Most people that are single are so for a reason. Myself included.

I finally found someone amazing online this past September; she was what I needed at the time. She is someone who was actively interested in me and my life. We grew close though writing, phone calls, spent some time together, and are now great friends but unfortunately will never be more than that. Even though I don’t have the relationship that I want I do have a better one that I actually need. She was the light that helped me find my way out of the darkness of the past 2 years. I had to do the work myself and find the inner strength to go on but she made this possible through a simple acts of kindness and compassion.

She gave me the courage to finally confront my bosses and nail down if or when I would ever get back on full time and or why not. She got me interested in living again rather than existing and surviving day to day. I was at my lowest point when I found her, sleeping 16 hours a day when not on shift at work, eating to fill the sad emptiness inside of me, and spending my waking hours lost in books and movies. She never once told me to lose weight, get in physically fit, or change. I was inspired to do it on my own because someone cared. It was amazing getting phone calls from a friend without having to be the one to contact them first.

We all get so wrapped up in our everyday lives people from our past that may need something as simple as a phone call get forgotten. Out of sight out of mind. It is the cursed of the modern society that we live in where we are only connected through the internet with Facebook and Twitter, text messages have replaced phone calls, and so on. So what does all this mean? I have not a clue.

Time for a break from the Grind

Today is the first day of my vacation. First time I have taken off since getting back to full-time status at the ambulance after my 21 months in purgatory of part time. Last time I had a shift off I called in for my gout so I was not doing anything other than suffering in a tremendous amount of pain. With the diet and exercise program I think I have kicked gout's ass but keep on the medication to be safe. I have 12 days off until I have to go back to work. I will be spending several of those days with the most awesome woman in the world. I plan to make the mini vacation as special as possible.

I actually had no vacation time to use for this vacation so I did time for time trades over Thanksgiving. 96 hour shifts on holidays suck ass. I did the same damn thing last year over the New Years Holiday as well. I have been pulling a crap load of overtime the last 6 weeks to be cash heavy for vacation. For a change I am financially solvent, paid ahead on all bills, and still have a fat amount in the bank account readily accessible for my trip to Las Vegas starting this Sunday. I am so ready see this small town in my rear-view window Sunday afternoon. No Mom to take care of and drive around, no yipping dog to deal with, and actually spend time with people who care genuinely about me. Sounds like a little slice of heaven. I may not want to come back.

Changes

It is been awhile since writing on this blog. Work has been overwhelming lately. No high stress calls just copious amounts of overtime. One may wonder why a man with simple tastes and few material needs would spend so much time working overtime at a job that can be amazing and soul crushing at the same time. My Motivation for doing this has been to help out the most amazing woman I have ever known.

This woman has given me the best gift of hope and helped me start to live my life again. Her kindness and compassion reached me where others could not. I want to help her and give her the best life possible. I plan to make things as amazing and stress free for her as I can while at the same time spoiling her and treating her like a woman should be treated. My hope is that our friendship continues to grow and maybe blossom into more but if not I will still have a best friend who really cares for me.

I often jump into things blindly but I do not care this time. Moderation is for Monks. It is time to take big bites of life and go for my dreams. I can not wait for Monday December 6th when I get to go and bring My Princess to her new life. If I do nothing else with my life I will know I have done one truly good thing by helping this woman who has done so much for me through simple kindness and compassion. How do you repay someone for helping you to live again? I do not know but I will move heaven and earth for this woman and do anything she would ask of me.