Moment of Clarity

Sad states of affairs.

This week provided one of those true moments of clarity again for me. I work for an ambulance company doing a 48/96 shift schedule. SO I am away from home for 48 hours. I work about 60 miles away from my home. This week I forgot my cell phone when I was packing for shift. This was Inconvenient but a manageable problem. So shift ends I return home check my phone to find no missed calls or text messages.

This was my moment of clarity. I could drop off the earth for 2 days and no one would notice. This got me really wondering about my state of interpersonal connection with others so I went through my call log. Only incoming calls in last 90 days not related to work or credit related were from 2 people I am friends with that moved away. That’s it…with the exception of calls from my Mother mainly relating to what she needs from the store. This fact depressed me so much I decided well people mainly text message now maybe I am being overly dramatic. I went through the text messages in my phone. All conversations were started by me.

This fact pushed me deeply into despair. I always knew I would have a hard time in life making meaningful connections with other people. I was an only child and realized that I was different, no special just different. Where some people can make friends easily I can not. And sadly I have hit the point in life where I just do not trust people anymore. I have learned everyone has an agenda, something they want whether it is just attention or money they all want something. Even me, I want a friend. I want someone who will be there for me when I need to talk or just sit together and not be alone.

My different state of being was illuminated this week as a co-worker and I talked about what we would do after winning the power ball lottery. He talked of travel, homes, and cars. I talked to paying off 5 specific families debts and setting them up financially for the next 5 years. He wanted to know what I would want for myself, all I could think of was paying off my debts and buying a nice self sustaining property far from people. Maybe do something to improve my physical health. That is my sad lotto dream.

So I now feel much more self aware and much more conscious of my total lack of meaning friendships in the real world. Am I going to fundamentally change my approach to life? No. As Popeye famously said I am what I am.