End of The Year

Well I have been absent from this blog for a few months.

Reason being is I lost my job on October 7th of this year. The reason being is a long drawn out story with me jumping through hoops for over a month for my former employer and still being terminated. Fuck them worthless Indian loving cocksuckers.

I have at this point dedicated over 13 years of my life to being an EMT. That is gone now. It is time to find my third act in this play that is my life. The thought of suicide is ever present in my mind. Part of me is happy to been done with my former career. I am a happier person because of this event on the day to day basis. Part of my is angry and wants blood and vengenance for what has been taken from me.

I spend many days surfing the net in the depths of apathy. I have had to go on unemployment and food stamps. My personal narrative for my life is at a crossroads and I am standing still with no direction.

Sadness fills the day
the pain will never go away
The ache grows and grows
I try to smile so no one knows.

Cold and Alone

Quiet surrounds. No sight no sound.
Emptiness fills the space
Tears running down my face
Alone in this awful place
Looking for a reason to struggle on
Waiting for the first light of the breaking dawn

My Wish

My wish is for the pain to end.
Find a way for the loneliness to stop
Find a way to begin to live again.
Find peace within.
Find meaning in this life.
Find a way to stop all the internal struggle and strife.
Find a way to love again.
Find a way to live again.
Find a purpose for my life.
Find a person who can lift me up.
Find a woman who will not give up.
Find a way to be me again.
If I can't find these things
I just wish for the pain to end
so I can begin to mend my heart again.

More of the same

Another shift completed. Was typical ambulance crap this week. Only good thing was the food. We ate like fat kids all shift. Homemade fish tacos, 1 pound bacon beef burgers, omelets, chicken breast sandwiches. Good eats. Taking some time off of work for a mental health brake before I choke the shit out of someone. I take one 48 hour shift off and that will give me 10 days of freedom.

In depressing news I got the bill from the fiance company for the car my ex got repossessed....after it was sold at auction I owe $5400. Fuck me. I am trying to get her to be responsible and pay for half but once again she will not return any phone calls or messages. Most likely I will let it go until they try to take me to court and then file bankruptcy. I have a bunch of medical bill I make payments one and some decent credit card debt. FML.

I managed to take a small vacation. I headed up to Kanab Utah to visit The Best Friends Society Animal Sanctuary. It was amazing. The tour was great and volunteering was awesome. I started off by having to scrub and clean 9 children sized swimming pools for the dogs using scrub brush, bleach, and water. Ugh I was less than excited but I knew it needed to be done so I dug in and got the job done in 1 hour. I then had to take the pools back to the individual dog runs and refill them with water. Watching the dogs jump in and cool off was worth the work. I spent the rest of my shift socializing with a sweet female mixed breed dog that was considered special needs due to several medical conditions including heart worm. I spent my time with her just sitting in her room on her dog bed giving her hugs and petting her. She was the most affectionate loving animal. All she wanted was someone to give her attention and affection. I am not a man who cries easily but I teared up when I had to leave for the afternoon.

Same song second verse...

Another crappy shift at work. Big shock there, I was stuck being shift supervisor since the regular supervisor was on vacation. Pain in the ass. The older of the two new guys is really getting on my nerves, he is one of those guys who always one ups you, can get better deals on anything because he knows a guy, and has been there done that for everything. Okay, I understand hes new and trying to fit in, hes insure because of his recent divorce, and he is starting at the bottom in a new company at 43. But fucking get over yourself. Stop trying to be "The Man" and fucking get up in the morning, do your part of station chores, and was your own fucking ambulance.

Being an EMT is so fucking easy. You learn your shit in school, spend the first year learning how to do those skills in the real world. Thats it. The rest of the time is learning to combat boredom if you work in a rural area like I do.I had four calls in 48 hours. 2 were transport so that is a total of 5 hours, the other 2 calls maybe 1 hour counting paper work. 2 hours of station chores and ambulance washing. So that leaves 40 hours to kill watching TV, surfing the net, and reading. Easy job.

I have unfortunately worked with guys and girls who can not find ways to kill time without causing hate and discontent. Some will have affairs with co workers, some will start drama, some will do anything to make themselves feel better, and other just live to piss others off. I don't get it. Probably cause I am an only child and learned at a young age how to entertain myself and enjoy solitude.

I really hate people yet work in a service industry.

Moment of Clarity

Sad states of affairs.

This week provided one of those true moments of clarity again for me. I work for an ambulance company doing a 48/96 shift schedule. SO I am away from home for 48 hours. I work about 60 miles away from my home. This week I forgot my cell phone when I was packing for shift. This was Inconvenient but a manageable problem. So shift ends I return home check my phone to find no missed calls or text messages.

This was my moment of clarity. I could drop off the earth for 2 days and no one would notice. This got me really wondering about my state of interpersonal connection with others so I went through my call log. Only incoming calls in last 90 days not related to work or credit related were from 2 people I am friends with that moved away. That’s it…with the exception of calls from my Mother mainly relating to what she needs from the store. This fact depressed me so much I decided well people mainly text message now maybe I am being overly dramatic. I went through the text messages in my phone. All conversations were started by me.

This fact pushed me deeply into despair. I always knew I would have a hard time in life making meaningful connections with other people. I was an only child and realized that I was different, no special just different. Where some people can make friends easily I can not. And sadly I have hit the point in life where I just do not trust people anymore. I have learned everyone has an agenda, something they want whether it is just attention or money they all want something. Even me, I want a friend. I want someone who will be there for me when I need to talk or just sit together and not be alone.

My different state of being was illuminated this week as a co-worker and I talked about what we would do after winning the power ball lottery. He talked of travel, homes, and cars. I talked to paying off 5 specific families debts and setting them up financially for the next 5 years. He wanted to know what I would want for myself, all I could think of was paying off my debts and buying a nice self sustaining property far from people. Maybe do something to improve my physical health. That is my sad lotto dream.

So I now feel much more self aware and much more conscious of my total lack of meaning friendships in the real world. Am I going to fundamentally change my approach to life? No. As Popeye famously said I am what I am.

A new perspective

Still dealing with headache of identity theft and having someone file a fake tax return. THANKS ASSHAT! Fuck me running.

Finally heard from my former best friend. I was dumb enough to co-sign on a car loan for her. Bitch has not even made the first payment. Car payment is now 38 days over due. I finally tracked her down, at she would not return text messages, phone calls, or emails. I had to go and get all stalker like since she did a middle of the night move and fucked over her old land lord.

Found out from a former friend of hers the general area where she moved to and then had to wait until she left the house to get her to talk with me. She tried her normal poor poor pitiful me crap. I said 'Oh really, well I had my identity stolen, my $2000 tax return is now being held up a minimum of nine months, and Thanks to you I have a 30 day late payment on my credit report.' She then tried tears but I would not buy it.

Gave her the latest bill for the car and notice from the state about no insurance. She tried to huge me as I left which earned her a hand in her face no I don't think so. I don't wait to be to sexually aggressive. A claim she made to a girl I was interested in dating after she quit talking me.

I can forgive but I don't forget. She is the woman who has made the biggest fundamental change in my personality in 25 year. I do not trust anyone anymore until they earn it. I do not help anymore at all unless they are truly in need. I do not love anymore as it is never returned to me. MESSAGE ENDS

You find out who your friends are...

We faithful readers who stumble upon this rambling blog of my discontent I am back with more self indulgent complaints again. Life has been somewhat interesting. I have really found out recently who my friends are and my importance to them. I have always been a quiet self contained person. I keep my own counsel and only reach out when I am in dire need and really hurting. Well I found out that my supposed best friend was really not that much of a friend. I have basically been lied to the last year by her. She plays the victim very well, but recently I started to see the inconsistency in her lies.

Its always the little details that trip up a liar. Then finding out the stories and lies about me that she told other women she claimed to be trying to set me up with were truly disheartening. It is apparent she wanted me all to herself to be her personal white knight she could keep at arms reach. With no real intimacy I was reaching the tipping point and she managed to remove herself from my life by giving me the silent treatment at a time when I really needed someone to talk with. I am done with the games.

Her claim of being the one hurt is laughable at best. She was the one who suggested I go out with her ex. Then finding out the truth about the last 60 days was eye opening. I understand an ex does have an ax to grind but verifying the facts independently showed me who she really is as a person. Well good luck to her in this life as she is dead to now.

Out in the Cold

Well dear readers things have not improved for the GrumpyEMT. Just when life seems its most cold and lonely it can always get worse. The one person I have always thought would be there to lend a supportive ear has up and disappeared from my life with no explanation. I understand we all have tough times and sometimes need to focus on ourselves. Thats life and as a man I understand this fact. What I do not understand is a total lack of communication. I was dumb enough to help this person solve their transportation issues by being a cosigner for them, Helped get them in a better housing situation, and helped find cash side jobs. Now their lack of fulltime regular employment is preventing the car payments from being made. Bad enough the insurance is in my name and I have to pay it cause its attached to my cars policy with a multi vehicle cheaper rate. The time for being kind and helpful is over. Caring about someone and putting myself out there is a losing proposition. If this person would just speak to me in some manner and let me know what is going on I would feel better having some knowledge of whats going on and could deal with the situation in a more positive fashion. Ugh life blows. MESSAGE ENDS

Managing Expectations

Managing expectations, this is a skill most adults should have but often do not. I have finally gotten better about managing my expectations in life. I have learned that I need to expect the worst from everything and be surprised when something good happens. I have worked hard to be positive and do good things. I just hurts to much to put that kind of effort into everything when nothing positive comes back. These last 7 days have been all about learning to manage my expectations. I had hoped that going on vacation would give me a break from routine and help me maintain focus and stay on track. WRONG! It managed to show me reality up close and personal and reaffirm my role in the universe. In the story of my life I am not the hero, I am a secondary character who dies off in the second act to move the story forward. Whats really said is that I am fine with this fact. I have realized that if I was gone tomorrow my passing would only effect my Mom and a friend. The effect would be only 20% emotional and 80% financial as they both depend on my monetary support. Mom would be fine with my life insurance and my friend would move on and find another form of support. That is the crushing realization that I came face to face this week, all I am is a paycheck. I earn a decent living and help support 2 people. I have to love, romance, or passion in my life. My best friends are fictional characters I spend time with in books. My primary socialization is online through social networking sites, and I have no one I can call to spend face time with when I need it the most. So I have learned to manage my expectations of what I want in life. Love, family, and children are for other people. All I can reasonably expect is to wake up and spend another day alone, facing the same challenges each day brings. Hope is something I can longer afford. Tomorrow is just another day the same as this one.

Cloudy and Overcast

The current weather really does match my mood right now. T minus six days and counting until vacation. On Jan 31 at 8 am I am leaving this desert wasteland for Gulfport, MS. Spending 10 days with on old friend if everything goes right. I am crossing my fingers that life does not go sideways and prevent me from going. What could prevent this trip? Well there is my elderly Mother I financially support and care for, last time I had a 5 day vacation planned she ended up in the hospital the night before I was scheduled to leave so that trip was cancelled. Last year I had this same trip planned and at the last minute my friend cancelled cause his ex and her family showed up at his place to stay for 2 weeks unannounced. So two days before my vacation I was left with no place to stay no money to cover the cost of hotels for that many nights.

I am a pessimist, life has kicked me in the teeth too many times to be optimistic anymore. I really don't even want to come back from vacation. I am going to do some job interviews while out there on the Gulf Coast. Its not realistic but the fantasy of having options is a pleasant one where I can dream of living a life of my choosing and not one where I am bound by a promise to my dying Father. Well thats it for today. MESSAGE ENDS

Drama Central

What a cruddy 4 days off work. My life has more drama lately than day time TV. My best friend is a cute woman who is going through some truly horrible stuff. Family is supposed to help in your time of need, hers is doing the opposite. She moved back in with her family short term to get out of a bad situation only this turned out worse for her.

I finally sat her down when I got home from shift on Monday and had a long talk and got her to see the medical professionals she needed to see to help her deal with the situation. I did my best to frame the conversation in a manner that made it her choice but afterwards I explained to her that as my friend and someone I care deeply about she was getting help with or without her consent. She said she understood and hugged me as she cried.

She is doing better now and getting more help and guidance from the right people. I help where I can and have helped her be able to move herself and children out of her parents home to a safe place. I do love this woman and she loves me as well just I am realistic about me expectations. She has never had emotional support from anyone in the last 10 years and having someone kind and caring who places her safety and peace of mind before my material wants is something she is having a hard time accepting.

Its a sad commentary on our society when I am just being the normal decent guy my parents raised and its not the norm for people to behave decently without an agenda. I am just providing her kindness and caring for someone else who needs help and has no where to turn. I thought that was the basic precept of a just and moral society. Then again there I go thinking...

Troubles, yeah I have a few

Well Dear readers who ever you are time for another installment of the rant/whinefest that is this blog with the very cool Heinlein title in the header.

Todays subject is shit. I have been fed a double helping of it the last few days. At work I was infected with the strep virus by an flaming prick who also works for the ambulance. I got screwed over on my sick pay this pay period. Whole another rant on the unethical treatment of white employees of tribal organizations. Needless to say my ass was not happy when I finally arrived back to the house this morning after shift. Then I am informed by my elderly mother she ended up in the Emergency Room while I was gone on shift for a sinus infection/tooth infection. But did not want to worry me while I was gone at work 60 miles away.

Shit Piss fuck and other words. Monday I dealt with the ignorance that runs the tribal payroll. I am then informed that my sort of girl friend also had a medical incident while I was at work where she was sent home from work and would not be working today as well. FUCK me running. I was dumb enough to help her out getting into a new vehicle and adding her to my insurance now she misses two days of work. Plus she will not respond to me about the whole situation when I call and text her. I am done with other people. Time for me to become a hermit and live in a fucking cave.