Paradise

It's another December day here in the high desert. I am oddly glad to be working at the ambulance. Just hate being a home lately, trying very hard to be nice to my Mother, kind, and supportive. It's a challenge to watch someone you live let their health deteriorate before your eyes. She refuses to deal further with her COPD, I know at this point her stopping smoking would do more harm than good as the stress to her heart would be really bad but shit! I still have to live in the house with a smoker, she has her perch in the middle to the kitchen by the sink and it makes life inconvenient as hell. I am doing a good job loosing weight and exercising but fuck I end up eating at 6am 11zm and 4pm to accommodate around her.

I promised Dad on his deathbed I would make sure she is taken care of and I still am but it is a challenge emotionally. Having to family support takes its toll on me. The friends I have all look to me for emotional support and to listen to them and their complaints. Fine I will be a good friend and do that but when is it my turn? When do I get to vent? Oh wait I am not allowed that option. Just eat the shit sandwich, smile, and ask for more...

To me Paradise is someplace where I could have the happiness I long for. Someone to love me for me, a comfortable chair to read in, a decent kitchen to cook in, and a hot tub where I could soak my weary body. Maybe the next time around on the wheel of life I will be allowed some small measure of happiness and not another life spent in service to others.